Letters From The Garden 12/12/2022 (I have got to find a better name for these)

This is a blog right? I get to use it as such.

Things have been rough. Earlier this year I was gearing up to move out of my parents and try to move in with some people I’ve met. That didn’t end up happening. I really want to move out of Utah. Every time I leave, I feel like my mental health drastically improves and every time I come back I feel like it only gets worse.

I’m plural. I have a dissociative disorder and I don’t talk about it online a lot due to a lot of fear, a long history of getting harassed out of communities I love due to tiny mistakes that are blown out of proportion by me due to Trauma brain, and just general trauma Bullshit. But writing as always felt like an outlet for a lot of that. It’s something that I enjoy, and it’s often times the way my system communicates with the others. Memory is weird.

If I had to explain what it’s like, the easiest way of putting it is Emotional Amnesia with some sprinkling of Dissociative Amnesia on top. I can tell you the broad strokes. I can tell you the big picture, but the minutiae is often lost to me. The exact details and the exact sort of dates, tiny little bits of information are gone. I don’t have them. I can tell you that someone in my system did Hot or not twitter threads. I can see those but what was felt? gone. Sometimes I get a bad roll and entire months are gone, or weeks, or people.

The Emotional Amnesia is a bit different. Each of the girls have their own little interests and favorite people. each of those girls will often follow those interests. Sometimes we all get into the same thing. Sometimes we don’t. A lot of systems will often talk about a “host” or having a sort of person who is the one everyone interacts with. We try our best to have some consistency, but when the dissociation is hard and the cards are down we’re often an entirely different person day to day. sure we can all pretend to be one person, hide it behind a little mask but it’s Excruciatingly exhausting. I’m a system. I’m not one person, I’m multiple. that’s how I prefer to be treated. I would love for everyone in my life to get to know the people inside my little system but oftentimes that’s not how it works! that’s not how it happens. A lot of people really aren’t interested in getting to know them to my knowledge, or at least a lot of the people I used to know aren’t.

Building support networks when some of you will never form a genuine connection with someone is hard! But I’m kinda tired of this? I’m extremely tired of continuously pretending that I am one person and not someone with c-ptsd, and a laundry list of other mental brain jazz.

So without further ado, Here it is. This is where I’m going to start posting this stuff. This is where it’s going to go. With my twitch channel changing and as I’m gearing up for a vtuber debut, I’m going to be retiring some of the system talk on twitch. Writing is always easier for me to speak anyways.

This is your system intro. This is where it’s all going down.

Hi! We’re the Belmonts. We’re a traumagenic system. We believe we have osdd-1B. We’re planning on seeking a real diagnosis once we get out of Utah as it’s extremely difficult to get anyone to take us seriously here in the Mormon capital of the world. We have c-ptsd, Autism, and possibly a few other things. who knows. C-ptsd complicates things and according to some of my research, c-ptsd can often be confused with a number of other things and I was diagnosed with autism as a child.

I’ll be using some medical terminology, and some of my own. The overmedicalization of systems is often something of a sore subject for us, and we often feel that the way dissociative disorders are understood is a bit out of date with how we truly feel about things. We use our own words for our own comfort.

This is . Yes. That’s how he wants to be referred to as.

is what’s commonly referred to as a “Little.” His Mental state is often something very much adjacent to an 8 year old with far too much attitude. He likes Photography and writing poetry.His only public poem can be found here. He’s extremely sweet once you get to know him but he’s often a little bit more blunt and vicious when upset. he’s often described plurality as “I started making imaginary friends and then they never went away.”

This is Callie.

She’s a small robot. She’s been through a lot, changed a lot. And she’s doing her best. Callie is a Caretaker. Sometimes new alters appear and it’s her job to give a sort of “Orientation” To introduce them to what’s happening, where they are, and to try and figure out how long they’ve been in the system. she’s not a public facing presence, merely an internal voice and someone we see in headspace a lot. This image was made by an artist named Starsleeps If you ever get a chance to talk to her, consider yourself lucky.

This is Celeste

Celeste is what we call “A Chariot.” What this means is She’s often a force of good, someone who will pull us forward out of a comfort zone and into a much healthier environment.These types of girls run fast and hard to try and push us to be better, though as is often the case, sometimes the chariot goes the wrong way or moves in a bad direction. They do their best. Celeste is one of the driving forces in our life and someone who has often pushed us in the right direction. We owe coming out to her, we owe our understanding of our plurality to her. Most people would call her a Protector and if you have to see that side of her, then god help you. She used to go by Maddy. No, she’s not a fictive. Celeste’s Art is done by an artist named Mrstripedpants.

This is Cynders! Hello! that’s me!

I don’t really have a title, but if I had to pick one, it’d probably be something along the line of “medic.” or “Mirror” I don’t really have a role, I exist and I help the others make sure that they remember they’re nice and good by repeating all the kind words anyone ever said to us in moments of extreme panic. whenever someone gets hurt, it’s my job to swoop in and try and clean up the damage, bandage wounds, and help us calm down and get back to a healthy mental state. and I try and help our friends! It’s a multipurpose sort of thing. I like first person shooters, playing games with my friends, and cooking! cooking is a lot of fun. Mine is the halo of Responsibility!

The art is done by my lovely partner Clara!

This is Empy!

Empy is an Angel. She’s also the closest thing we have to a host! It likes theology, history, first person shooters, and photography. Angel is another term that our system made up for ourselves even if it has it’s own implications outside of it. If A chariot is someone who pushes us out of our comfort zone to help us, then an angel is someone who often pulls us back into our own comfort zone to do the same. She’s constantly sleepy, Perpetually bitchy, and almost always down to chat about religion no matter what kind. Her art is also done by our partner clara! Hers is the halo of Hope. She always has some hope to share.

This is Arachne!

Arachne is a teenager! She likes knives, tabletop roleplaying games, music, and things with too many rules. She’s an edgy little shit who’s stuck in her teens, but don’t let that fool you. She’s doing her best and the one most in love with photography. She’s what a lot of people would call a “Trauma holder”, but she’s really more of a chariot. Despite that she’s doing her best. She loves writing stories, And her work is some of the BEST I think we’ve ever written. She had a terrible run in with some of her trauma back in august and got knocked out of commission and has been resting for the past few months. We love her. She’s the best Host the system has ever seen.

This is Ren!

Well! The art is of her pathfinder 2e character that’s basically her in every single facet. Any story about Renai? that’s Ren! Ren is an Android, a teenager, and doing her best. there’s four of her, but the only one you might ever meet is this one! Ren likes Painting, fashion, shooters, and guns! Ren is what we’d also call a trauma holder, but that’s a little dubious. Again, I really feel like a lot of our understanding on dissociative disorders is lacking as she’s a lot more than that. She’s extremely shy and if she’s ever spoken to you before, you’re likely to already be trusted by us.

Ren’s Art is done by Sacrednanners

This is Varia.

Varia is a “doll” in the loosest sense of the word. We don’t have very many specifics about it other than she really likes writing. It is almost entirely nonverbal and often says she “doesn’t have a mouth.” It speaks entirely through writing unless she feels safe around you. That’s all we know. Other than it wrote these.

Varia’s Art was down by an artist named Zakeno

This is Zoey

Zoey’s another robot! Yeah! there’s a lot of robots here! Turns out being told you act like a robot as a child does a lot of things to your brain! Zoey’s very blunt, very straightforward, and extremely long winded. It likes tabletop roleplaying games, writing, and tea! Zoey’s a rare sight but almost everyone says she’s utterly a delight.

Zoey’s art is also done by our partner clara!

Last but not least, we have Two Seasonal alters. “Seasonal” I hear you say with a raised eyebrow. And to that I have to say “dear god, I have no idea but they only show up around certain times of the year.” My personal guess is that it has something to do with Seasonal depression, and the fact that the sun being out has something very heavily to do with our mood, and also might be trauma related! who knows!

The first is Stargazer!

Stargazer is an Alraune. She’s the best. She has a wild spirit, brimming full of pep, energy and cheeriness for everyone around her. She shows up in the spring and summer months. She always believes in you. And it’s The inspiration for our vtuber model which will be debuting sometime next year! She’s extremely excited to share her story. She loves flora of all kinds and tried to grow trees in our basement. she has a bit of a weird side and seems to “not get humans”

Her art is done by an artist called Radicalyue

Lastly is Winter.

Wow! That’s not art! Yeah. She just looks like that. Winter is a former host, and currently calls herself “A witch” Her personal meaning for this is “I do weird magic shit for fun and put on a silly hat and scream about curses.” She was the host from 2011-2018 directly after Arachne and Ren and lasted the longest anyone ever did with the rest of her system at the time which was her and celeste and a few others whose names have been lost. When the pandemic started, she disappeared for a while and only really shows up around Fall and Winter time. She’s a wild spirit like stargazer, but in almost the exact opposite way. She’s extremely manic, prone to intense emotional meltdowns, but also capable of writing the coolest goddamn stories. She loves writing, photography, running tabletop role-playing games and Worldbuilding. Her writing is incredible And I wish she would write more. she was gearing up for something with a series of short stories and I hope she finishes it. God, I loved Interview.

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading. This is my system. I love every one of them deeply and fully. From the ones who got us this far, to the ones no longer here.

I’m going to leave comments open on this one. If you have questions, feel free to ask them.

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